THE END…is really the beginning.

It’s been a minute since I’ve last posted but big news! I just finished the first draft of my current WIP, SILENT NOISE. *And the crowd goes wild* or *Crickets* LOL. I’m not really sure if anyone else is here but me 🙂

It feels amazing to finally write those two little words. I’ve been working on this story for a while and it took a few twists and turns along the way until I figured out what I really wanted to say. I wish I could tell you I used the time during the pandemic to really plow through and finish it, but I didn’t. The lockdown locked me up both physically and artistically. 

I felt a lot of shame about that because I was seeing other people really using the time to take online classes and learn new things and zoom meeting….like all the frickin time. And well, I just kinda shut down for various reasons and that’s okay. If that happened to you, and you didn’t learn to speak 3 new languages or quilt a blanket or knit a sweater or paint a Picasso, I’m telling you it’s OK. You’re not a failure. You’re okay and I’m okay right where we are. Let that shame go. It’s lame and it’ll only hold you back from whatever wonderful thing the Universe has in store for you. Spending time in regret is a fool’s errand. You can not change the past. You can only live today and work towards a better tomorrow.

This is what my main character learns in this YA contemporary mystery with a touch of the paranormal because I like a little fantasy in what I write and what I read. It’s about a complicated relationship between a fifteen year old and her mother; substance abuse, chronic pain, murder and the life in between this one and the next. It’s about getting lost and finding your way back, love and forgiveness. 

I officially LOVE this book. I’m so grateful for the writing community on Twitter. Every time I would think, f**k it, I can’t finish this and no one cares any way. I’d read someone’s post or blog about how many times they’d been rejected and how they didn’t find an agent until they were 50, 60 or older. Thank you to all those in the writing community who so generously give advice and encouragement to those of us at the beginning of our publishing journey. 

So now what you ask? Again, maybe just crickets, but I’m gonna go with it. I’ve sent my MS out to several trusted critique pals for feedback. I step away from it for at least 6 weeks, I read the books on my to be read list, I make notes/start the next book. And I desperately try not to worry about what my people are thinking as they read my MS.

What are you up to? What do you need to get back to?

PEACE & LOVE

#substanceabuse #mentalhealth #chronicpain #painmanagement #YA #teendatingviolence #mystery #paranormal #fantasy #mothersanddaughters

Toxins Kill Everything

Toxic: Poisonous

Toxic chemicals ( Draino, Rat Poisin) when ingested will kill you.

Toxic Gas (Carbon Monoxide) when breathed will kill you.

Toxic Material (Acid) will kill you when handled improperly.

We know these things and most of us will take precautions not to end up dead. You bastards slipping it to people because they cheated on you or whatever… my advice is simple. Success and happiness are the best revenge, your soul stays intact and you don’t have to go to jail. Jail is bad. Living is good. Go get some “revenge”.

But what about the toxins that mascaraed as medicine; prescription pills, street drugs, and booze? I include street drugs and booze because that’s self medicating. It’s so easy to get lured into “feeling better or good”. Who doesn’t want to feel good, right? But at what cost?

Philip Seymour Hoffman, God rest his soul, died too soon at age 46. I look at this brilliant actor and think how could he let this happen to himself? From the outside he seemed to have everything, a loving family, three beautiful children, a successful career gaining him oodles of money and yet he’s gone now like so many before him. I guess he was far from having a charmed life with demons only he knew. I pray for his family and the long hard road ahead of them.

Addiction shows no prejudice. The lure of “feeling good” does not take age, race, gender, religion, financial status or geographic location into consideration and once it’s got you, it is a fierce lover, driving itself into and in between everything in your life. It may start off slowly or full blown but the end result is the same. Death to everything.

Death to the life absorbed with it and death to all the lives connected to the addict in some shape or form. The addict thinks of only one thing: the next fix. The people around the addict have many thoughts mostly in the form of worry, sadness, anger, and helplessness.

“Cut all toxic people out of your life.”

I’ve heard this, hell I’ve said this, but it’s not so easy if the toxic person is a family member. “You should cut him or her off, tough love style.” It sounds so easy but to actually slam the door, figuratively or literally, in the face of a loved one is far from easy. Some people would argue cutting off their own arm would be easier. So what do you do?

Talk to the person? You’ve done that like a million times giving ultimatums and pleading speeches.

Intervention? You’ve done that too and maybe it even resulted in a period of sobriety…until sobriety slips away and the ugly clawed monster of addiction is back.

For the people who are stuck watching the addict go down, because there is no up in addiction, it is horrendous, and that description doesn’t even begin to do it justice. It is days and nights filled with frustration, anger and an impending funeral.

For the addict? It’s a lonely, secretive, horrible life intertwined with a vicious beast that has its teeth clenched around their neck waiting to deliver the final blow. Sounds like fun, right?

Of course, these are not the people who get help. These are not the people who claw their way back to life. Because, thank God, or whoever you believe in, that those people do exist. But the ADDICT has to WANT to do this. The people on the sidelines, no matter how much they want to FIX it, and I totally get it, I’m a fixer, a doer, but the ADDICT has to want it.

The other kind of people are the lost ones, the ones who were gone years before you actually attended the funeral. The addicts, that for what ever reason, chose to stay sick. And then there are the people connected to them like a root to a tree, who were forced into a life of addiction even though they were not the addict and it was never their choice. It sucks on both sides of that fence. No one wins in that life.

Don’t ever give up on your loved ones but you don’t have to end up in the ground next to them. Realize that you only have control over yourself, you can ONLY change you. Set up boundaries and protect yourself. Learn how to handle the toxic addict properly. Seek advice from professionals; counselors and doctors. Be very careful in your own life. Pain that equals pain pills, booze or street drugs can very easily turn into addiction.  Peace my friends.

This poem is for a lost one.

I’ll Miss You

I miss the person you used to be, the one who loved life so much.
I miss the person who kissed all the boo-boos away.
I miss the person who made scrambled eggs and toast for anyone who was sick.
I miss the person who was strong and protective.
I miss the person who helped make me what I am today.

I’ll miss you when you’re gone.

I’ll miss the conversations that we have.
I’ll miss my children never really knowing the real you.
I’ll miss your laugh.
I’ll miss the support shown brightly in your eyes.
I’ll miss your fingers gently playing with my hair.
I’ll miss the fights that only you and I have.
I’ll miss the cups of coffee that we share.

I’ll miss you when you’re gone.

I’ll miss your voice on the phone, but never in the morning.
I’ll miss your pretend stories to the kids.
I’ll miss your outrageous outfits, gold shoes and all.

I’ll miss you when you’re gone.

I’m angry that you’ll leave me too soon.
I’m disappointed in myself that I can’t make you stay.
I’m sad that there won’t ever be an intervention that will work.
I’m sorry that you won’t change.
I’m sorry for the pain that brought you to this place and then stole your will to come back.
I wish I could help you but this is not up to me.
I will never give up on you but I will protect myself and mine.
I love you so much, and I’ll miss you, with all my heart, when you’re gone.